yet again

I woke up at 4pm today. I wasn't sure I was going to wake up at all, given all the alcohol and Xanax that I took the night before. But I did. Yet again, I did. 

It took every last bit of energy that I had to climb out of bed and walk to the kitchen. I realised that I had left the stove on. I wanted to make noodles, but I must have passed out before that. It was the first time I took ten pills at once, and with that much alcohol.

The dosage gets higher and higher each time but somehow I always end up surviving. 

Perhaps I didn't really want to die. But neither do I want to live. 

Is that how every suicidal person feels? I don't presume to know. 

I started this private blog last year because I didn't know where to put my dark thoughts. misydolem spells melodysim backwards, which seems appropriate for my alter ego. I don't pen the thoughts down in my public blog because people don't like reading dark things, or at least "normal" people that aren't damaged (like me). It scares them. But I plan to share the link to this blog if I ever choose to unalive myself (although I hope the day never comes) so that hopefully, the people who read it and will understand the things that I have struggled with up until my very last breath and show a little more kindness in this mad, mad world.