darkness

ever since i've quit drinking, i've barely shed a tear. when i don't feel good, i don't feel sad or angry or any other negative emotion. i feel nothing. it doesn't even feel like i exist, or take up any space in this world. i have no emotions, no words, no tears, no beauty, no value, i am nothing.

i hate that feeling. when you feel like you're about to fall into a landslide but you're just grabbing at scrapes, trying not to get sucked in. but all you do is just sink deeper and deeper

it's funny how words are repeated in my head over, and over again - almost against my will - even though i know that they probably don't hold the same meaning as my stupid brain attributes to them.  like an emotional knife, it cuts deeper and deeper each time.  but what do you think cuts deeper? the razor blade in my drawer or the words that i obsess over?