darkness

i wrote this more than a year ago. it’s funny how i still feel the same way, even when everything - everything - has changed.  - dear diary, last night was a very difficult night and i felt like putting an end to it over and over again. in my desperation, i called out to him - the one person who claims to understand me completely - saying, "if you are real, please help me." silence. even at my wits end, silence.  this morning as I sit in bed typing this, i think about all the people i love and who love me. i think about how sad they would be if i were gone. how kind they have been to me. how tolerating. and also, how they don't understand me at all. i realised, clearer than ever, than i'm alone in this world. we all are. no one person truly understands another.

who would've thought that you would end up becoming my best friend? i met you a little late. most people would've met you when they were eighteen, or some even earlier.  i don't think i liked you then. but you were cool, and i wanted to be cool so i hung out with you. a lot. i think it was after my first break up that we became close. real close. i was lost, and i had no one to talk to but you were there. people came and went, but you? you. were. always. there. whenever you were with me, all my problems floated away. and nothing seemed to matter anymore. i mean, the problems, they would came back the next day but i could just find you again. and they would float away, again. i don't think you're the best for me since my problems are still here. but these days, it seems like when I'm sad, you're all that i've got.

was life meant to be this sappy? why does it seem like everyone's got it together. why does it seem like everyone has a goal that they are working towards. why does it seem like everyone knows what happiness is supposed to look like. and in the meanwhile, here i am trying to figure out how to find my place in this really confusing world.  and not become the ball of anxiety that i am.