darkness

you know what's the most fking lonely thing in the world? when everyone thinks and expects you to be okay so you have absolutely no one to talk to.

I lost my Macbook in that stupid car break in. The latter half of last year seemed to be going so well. I got off meds, my mental health improved a lot, I found new aspirations and motivations in life. But as the year begun, I lost stupid Macbook. Didn't back up shit so now I've got nothin'. Seem to have left my hopes and aspirations in that stupid Macbook too.

there's a difference between being lovable and easy to love. a lovable person has lovable qualities. intrinsic traits that make people want to behold them. to give them everything that they have. a person that is easy to love, on the other hand, has no self-love. no standards. no need for anything, and that is why they are easy to love.

you see, mum, there's this stupid sad hole inside of me that just wouldn't go away no matter what i do and no one likes someone  with a stupid sad hole

I recently realised that I'm really good at finding comfort in all sorts - even the shittiest - of situations. I don't complain. I don't seek for change. I don't even process how shitty it is.  I just sit there, learn to accept and make it my home. Is this resilience or a lack of self-love?

that desire to have your head slammed against the fucking wall.  to be hit by a truck and have your brain splattered all over the sidewalk. to have your ribcage torn apart and your heart ripped out. to be beaten up and raped. and abused because you fucking deserve it. because you're fucking a worthless cunt that only knows violence, and pain, and self-destruction. but all you can do is hold that razor is your hand, and channel all that rage into that one tiny kiss hoping that it wouldn't leave too deep a scar or else the shame will be yours to bear. and the cycle will repeat its fucking self.  again. and. again.

ever since i've quit drinking, i've barely shed a tear. when i don't feel good, i don't feel sad or angry or any other negative emotion. i feel nothing. it doesn't even feel like i exist, or take up any space in this world. i have no emotions, no words, no tears, no beauty, no value, i am nothing.