darkness

you see, mum, there's this stupid sad hole inside of me that just wouldn't go away no matter what i do and no one likes someone  with a stupid sad hole

I recently realised that I'm really good at finding comfort in all sorts - even the shittiest - of situations. I don't complain. I don't seek for change. I don't even process how shitty it is.  I just sit there, learn to accept and make it my home. Is this resilience or a lack of self-love?

that desire to have your head slammed against the fucking wall.  to be hit by a truck and have your brain splattered all over the sidewalk. to have your ribcage torn apart and your heart ripped out. to be beaten up and raped. and abused because you fucking deserve it. because you're fucking a worthless cunt that only knows violence, and pain, and self-destruction. but all you can do is hold that razor is your hand, and channel all that rage into that one tiny kiss hoping that it wouldn't leave too deep a scar or else the shame will be yours to bear. and the cycle will repeat its fucking self.  again. and. again.

ever since i've quit drinking, i've barely shed a tear. when i don't feel good, i don't feel sad or angry or any other negative emotion. i feel nothing. it doesn't even feel like i exist, or take up any space in this world. i have no emotions, no words, no tears, no beauty, no value, i am nothing.

i hate that feeling. when you feel like you're about to fall into a landslide but you're just grabbing at scrapes, trying not to get sucked in. but all you do is just sink deeper and deeper

it's funny how words are repeated in my head over, and over again - almost against my will - even though i know that they probably don't hold the same meaning as my stupid brain attributes to them.  like an emotional knife, it cuts deeper and deeper each time.  but what do you think cuts deeper? the razor blade in my drawer or the words that i obsess over?

Sometimes, it feels like there's a balancing scale in my brain. The moment I'm happy for a little too long, the brain goes, "here's a little depression to help re-balance the scale"